I don’t bow to anyone any more
Pia Maganov
When I was 22, I was madly in love with a Jewish guy just a couple of years older than me. I was a young ski instructor. A mutual friend introduced us. He seemed worldly to me. He owned a new Range Rover, helped his dad run the profitable family business and was an excellent skier. They owned a chalet at the snow. When his family wasn’t staying there he would let me stay there with him. I am not Jewish so his family didn’t know about me. That didn’t worry me at the time because I was in love. I wanted to be everything for him.
I copied my mother’s way of showing love which was by cleaning the home and being agreeable. I hoped he could see how valuable I was. I would get the bathroom at the chalet looking extremely clean. At the time I thought that this was a weird way of getting his approval but it was all I knew to do.
One Sunday after a weekend’s skiing, he dropped me off at my place and I never heard from him again. This was the days before email, Facebook and text messages. We did have phones but he never rang me. I would have rang once or twice but I wasn’t one to chase. He just stopped contacting me.
I was hit hard. I had done everything I knew to be a worthwhile partner. I couldn’t understand why this was happening. I dropped into a period of self harm that lasted, on and off, for 25 years.
Many of us have a turning point in our lives that can either help us or stop us. This was mine. His rejection triggered something in me.
I decided he rejected me because I wasn’t pretty enough for him and if I lost some weight he would find me more appealing. I wanted to lose the excess weight quickly. This is when I consulted a friend who had been involved in ballet. To stay slim in ballet she had used various techniques. I asked her for advice and she suggested purging after a meal was my best bet. She gave me instructions and within a few days I started making myself sick. Little did I know this would haunt me for 25 years.
2 years later I was seeking psychiatric help to stop this habit. I told the physicist a little about myself. I told him that I am a child from Estonian immigrants. My first language was Estonian and I had to learn English at kindergarten (pre-school) from the children there.
I told him that I went to ballet classes that were very strict and girls in the class were often shamed in front of class. I told him of the family pressure to achieve high grades, that my boyfriend had left without a word and that’s when I started making myself sick. I told him I lacked self-confidence. I told him I was bulimic and wanted to stop. His comment was, “with all those pressures in your life, I am surprised you are coping at all.”
He offered no assistance. The next week I went back for my second session. He fell asleep while I was talking to him. I didn’t go to my third appointment.
The bulimia stayed with me into my late twenties and early 30’s while I was dating. I used it to control my weight. I look back at how I had deceived my boyfriend at that time. He enjoyed wine. I preferred not to drink but he wouldn’t have known because when I went out with him I also drank … or so it seemed. Friday was pizza and wine night. I would hide the fact that I didn’t want to eat pizza because it was fattening and that I didn’t want the wine. I would match him by glass and pizza slice but every 30 minutes I would excuse myself from the table, go to the ladies and purge what I had eaten. He wasn’t seeing the real me.
We were married 3 years later. During the first few years of marriage and with the birth of my children I didn’t purge and didn’t think about it. I was in love and busy with my new life.
Bulimia came back to me about 6 years into my marriage when my husband made an announcement that shattered my world. He told me he wanted a divorce. My children were 8 and 5 years old. I wasn’t working though I did have an occasional short term contract job. My identity was to be a mother and wife. I couldn’t give that up.
I begged my husband to stay with me. I promised things would be better for him and that I would do all I could to make him happy. This shifted everything in our relationship. I wasn’t aware of it at the time so much, but on that day the fear that one day he would get up and leave me became a part of me. It haunted me for the rest our relationship. It escalated into a life of denial and victimhood.
Have you ever watched a black and white movie from the 1940’s? The actors are very dramatic. I remember a scene vividly where the woman threw herself at the man’s feet and begged his forgiveness. She was wearing a full skirted evening gown. The long skirt draped over her out stretched legs as she lay on the floor and begged him to forgive her in a deep, desperate tone.
My mother spoke of sacrifice. She told us stories of how, as a child, she was forced to do hours of housework to avoid beatings from her father. She would still be beaten especially if she broke something while dusting or cleaning. She often called herself our “slave” as she tidied up after us. This influence had me accept the life of the victim, not in all aspects of my life, but certainly in my close relationships.
About 3 months after the mention of the divorce, my husband brought it up again. I couldn’t bare the idea of being a single mother and raising 2 boys on my own so this time I again begged him to stay. We were outside in the courtyard of our home. It was night time. The boys were asleep. He was smoking and telling me what he didn’t like about our marriage.
The image from the movie flashed into my mind. Perhaps this was the way to convince him I was serious. So I fell to the ground and held his ankles crying, just as I had seen the actress do in the movie and begged him to give me another chance. He agreed he would. I came away from the scene I created aware of the actress in me but also feeling my total lack of self worth.
This scene repeated itself every 3 months for 10 years. I only threw myself to the floor physically one more time, but emotionally many more. I was trying to please my husband. I was trying to be an exceptional mother. I wanted to keep the family together and I would do anything to do that. The pressure against my true self meant I looked for ways to release my stress. This was the time I used bulimia to calm myself. I just wanted relief from the feelings I was having.
Over those years I sought help from councillors, read numerous self help books on a variety of topics and studied how to heal myself. My collection of books is much greater than any library. I was always reading and working on getting past this state. On the surface I was busy, had many happy times and did things for myself such as going to the gym regularly, art classes and performing in plays.
When my bulimia took over I would be by myself, usually just before I had to pick the boys up from school and before my husband came home from work. A feeling like anxiety would come over me and the pressure of this feeling would be eased by making myself sick. I could then go on with my day feeling calm.
There was an awaking moment one day on a holiday. We were on a family summer camp. I was walking in the nearby forest. The sun was streaming through the trees. I was alone and aware of nature’s smells and sounds. Out of nowhere I heard myself say, “I will not be a victim anymore.”
From that moment on, I stopped travelling down the victim path and began looking for and discovering a different way of being. I began to trust myself more. I read the books with a different point of view, how to grow rather than simply survive. I became more personally powerful and more engaged with what I wanted and how I wanted to be.
The three monthly sessions with my husband continued over this time but rather than agree to do more for him, I could ask for what I needed from him to improve our relationship. Eventually I grew strong enough to realise that I couldn’t be the person he wanted me to be. He chose to leave the relationship but not through lack of trying. I was finally turning away from that victim mentally that I had bought into at 22. I was no longer the person he was initially attracted to as my behaviours had changed.
During our divorce period and for months after, I had to work hard on my managing my emotions and thoughts. I researched methods to help transform my old way of thinking. While I learnt many useful techniques, none seemed to help me shift all I needed to move forward quickly and permanently.
It was then that I created my own method of releasing my emotions and negative thoughts. This book was created spontaneously. I simply started writing a chapter in the quiet moments of the morning and it grew from there.
The process I describe in the book helped me become confident, more radiant and aware of myself and how to treat others. The confusion and hurt around my marriage breakdown disappeared. I could deal with day to day issues easily. After the divorce I was able to be a single mother and could pay the private school fees, travel overseas and was willing to experience new relationships.
I’m so passionate about helping people be free of their unhelpful thoughts because of the results I have had in my life. Your relationship will improve. Not only your relationship with your partner, but with yourself. You will notice you are less anxious. You will be more calm and confident.
I don’t bow down to anyone any more. I am free to express myself, to love open heartedly, to be authentic and proud of who I have become.
You will never again have to bow down to others because you feel desperate and scared for your future. No one will ever have that much control over you and you will never them the opportunity to take it. You will be able stand tall and own who you are and how you wish to be in this world. You will not only survive; you can thrive.
My book is called, ‘Get Back the Real You, Clearing your negative thoughts’.